I need to be thankful

Okay, I need to count my blessings today, but I'm not very happy right now. That's why I started this blog: because I wasn't happy and needed to remind myself to fix my eyes on things unseen, not the crummy circumstances around me.

Current crummy circumstance: five car repairs in the last month and a half ... and counting. I'm feeling pretty down about it. Time to put my faith into action when the rubber hits the road, albeit, out of alignment.

So, pray for me to put into practice my Sunday school lesson from this week from James 4:7-8, "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you."

For my battle against self-pity and defeat is not one against flesh and blood, or my car, but against the spiritual forces of evil in this dark world. Time to stand firm in the truth of the Gospel, with my shield of faith in front of me (faith that I serve a good God who sees exactly what is going on and knows my financial situation), with the Word of God in my grasp ready to do battle, and with continuous communication to my God who fights my battles for me and who has already won the victory.

I am thankful for I've had a car all these years to get me where I needed to go.

I am thankful I have a job that pays money so I can eat, have a whole bedroom to myself, and pay rent.

I am thankful for sympathetic friends and not having to worry if I'll be able to change a tire on my own.

I am thankful for men who make sure I get home safe.

I am thankful for my God who will supply all my needs in Christ Jesus; even if that doesn't involve Him fixing my car.

"For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

back to blogging

So, I haven't written in a while, a long while, as all you who follow me have realized (crickets, crickets). But a lot has happened, good and bad, and I have a lot to be thankful for, so I'm going to make a list and go from there.

I am thankful for disappointed hope - one specifically, that should it have panned out, I would have missed out on another grand blessing: one that was a source of joy amidst some darkness.

On that note, I am thankful for EMMA. I was so surprised that I should even be considered for the part, but I know the material well and had a sense of what was at her heart. All that contributed to a good audition, and ultimately, I think, God planned for me to play her. I hope that doesn't sound arrogant. I honestly doubted myself many, many times. But, I cannot tell you how much it meant to me to play her night after night, and what joy and satisfaction it brought me as an actor. It stired my passion for acting in a way that I have been missing for a while. By the end of the run I thought, "I can do this!" and not only that but "This is what I want to do." I feel like now, finally, I am at a place in my skill level as an actress that I am confident that I can be competitive. I haven't felt that way till now. EMMA gave me so many reasons to be thankful. I am thankful for every person who made that show what it was, and for each cast member who continued to work and grow with me throughout the run.

I am thankful for my Gramma Cooksey. She went to be with Jesus the morning of July 9th, the day after opening night of EMMA. I am thankful God took her when He did, not a moment too soon or too late. I am thankful I was able to go home and help my family and attend the funeral. I am thankful for all her prayers for me, the example she lived, and the love that she gave me and all her family members. I am thankful that I will see her again restored and whole in heaven. I am thankful for her.

I can think of several other immediate items I'm thankful for, but as I hope this post is the beginning of my blogging again, I will save them for another day.

Thank you for reading, whoever you are. I hope you are blessed today.

the promise of beauty

Okay, so this still isn't a weekly blog... Oh well.

I bought fresh mozzarella today for the first time! I've been intimidated by it before, but today, today, there was a coupon at HEB. I could buy cherry tomatoes, which I love and will eat anyway, and get the mozzarella free! So I did, and had the tomatoes and mozzarella tonight with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt, and cracked pepper. Yum!

This shopping trip was on my dinner break between office and rehearsal - somehow an extra day on a weekend doesn't mean more time. I started rehearsal tonight for Emma, which is very exciting and also a lot of pressure, since I'm supposed to play the heroine herself. I think the first rehearsal went well. At this point in my career at the Players, I know all the actors pretty well, having played with all of them before, and it's nice to have that level of comfort and commitment from fellow actors right from the start.

Rehearsal ended, and as Hannah and I were driving home on Westheimer, I took a closer look at a sign on a now empty building in Highland Village shopping center. There was a new classy construction barrier in black wrapped around the front. At first I wondered if it was somehow tied to Restoration Hardware going in just across the parking lot because of it's similar color and font style. And then I saw the lettering a little closer, BHLDN, and it clicked: Anthropologie's new wedding line! Yes! Their new wedding dress line that unveiled in February was going into Highland Village!

Hannah can bear witness to all the excitement and shrill noises that ensued as I grabbed her hand and shrieked. I'm not exactly sure why I'm so excited. I don't have a wedding coming up. I don't have a friend's wedding coming up. I'm not even exactly sure that the style of the dresses I've seen so far fit my style. But, they are beautiful. Really beautiful. The whole existing Anthropologie shop a few doors down is beautiful, and BHLDN is sure to be even more beautiful.

Beauty thrills my soul like few other things. I think God meant it that way. Those things that are beautiful draw us in and nourish a part of us that sometimes we didn't know was starving. I find beauty in many things: music, nature, children, the written word, a tender hearted woman, a strong protective man.

In all these things, we can see a reflection of God: who He is, what He loves, and what He intended this world to be. It also gives us a glimpse of our future with Him. The beauty here on earth must pale in comparison to being in His presence. I'm so glad to have His promise of someday being there with Him.

We've been going through a sermon series on death the past couple of Sundays, and the pastor said a phrase that has stuck with me this week. "Look for the promise after the storm." Like Noah, look for the rainbow, the beauty that is God's promise. He is with us. He will never leave us or forsake us.

I am thankful for the promises of God - for the beauty that speaks of His love for us, whether it be mozzarella, a wedding dress, or a rainbow.

living the not now

Okay, so it's been far too long since my last post. I meant for this to be a once a week at least blog, but it's turned into a once a month and that just won't do.

I've had many things to be thankful for and several blog topics to post about, but I just haven't sat down to write. I've let intimidation get the best of me. I didn't feel that a short, three sentence paragraph was sufficient and haven't wanted to make myself write more than that.

The two posts I'm been ruminating on this week are "living the not now" and one on Mother's day and my mom, heretofore untitled. Hopefully I'll post that next week.

"Living the not now" came about as I was listening to a radio broadcast of a sermon on prayer, and crystallized when I read a devotional about thankfulness in prayer. I, as many others, am still waiting on answers to several specific long term prayers and am in the midst of some "not now" answers. What caught me about the devotional's response to unfulfilled prayer requests, was the idea of prayer becoming frustrating. We ask and ask and ask, and don't receive what we ask for, and so we lose heart, become frustrated and if we aren't careful, bitter.

Now, God doesn't promise to give us just anything we ask for. The Bible gives us some parameters on that which would take too long to go into here. But what do we do when we are praying Biblically, persistently, and are in the "not now?" How do we keep from being frustrated and bitter? Thankfulness.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thankfulness present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

I usually thank God for what He's already given me in prayer and for who He is, but I never thought before to thank Him supplying the answer. We have His promise that He hears and responds to His children, that He gives us good gifts, so we should thank Him in advance of our seeing the answer for His provision. Really, it's praying in faith.

Praying with thankfulness refocuses my attention where it should be, on God and His character. Then I am free to go about my day, knowing that God has heard me, and, in His good and perfect time, will supply the things I've asked for. My faith is put into action.

Thank you God for hearing and answering my prayers, each one. Help me to put my faith and trust in Your timing and be patient until their fulfillment. Amen.

thankful for time well spent

Last week I was able to go visit family in Oklahoma. The trip was rather unexpected and last minute, and I felt strange about it. I don't usually make major plans like that so quickly. But, while looking at my schedule for the next six months, it suddenly dawned on me that my current two week break between shows would likely be my only opportunity of visiting family till September. So I arranged things with work and family and bought my plane tickets on Thursday for a flight that Sunday, three days later.

Later that evening I was commenting to friends about how strange the trip seemed and asked for prayer that I would make the most of this time, whatever it was supposed to be. Then my phone rang. My dad was calling to tell me that my gramma had had a stroke and was on her way to the hospital. Suddenly my trip took on a whole new importance. I'm was and still am amazed by how God had arranged events. Before booking the flight, I briefly had a thought of canceling the whole thing - "It's too unplanned, too lastminute - I don't know what I'm doing." But I went ahead with the trip and asked God to help me make the most of it.

Now, praise God, my gramma has recovered, many would say, miraculously. When the stroke first happened, she couldn't speak and couldn't use her right side. On the day I left Oklahoma, she was being discharged from the hospital. She can hold a conversation, though she can't always think of how to say what she means. She can feed herself and has regained the use of her right side. I'm so so thankful that I got to spend good time with her while I was home. She'll be celebrating her 95 birthday later this month. I'm not sure I will have another opportunity to see her before she goes to be with Jesus. But I know I will see her again someday, when I leave this world as well, and that gives me great comfort.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love. Psalm 103

the word of God

Short post tonight. I am thankful for the word of God; for the wealth of encouragement and exhortation it contains and that it still impacts people today, thousands of years after the last word was written. The Bible truly is living and active, and useful for us today. I'm finding more and more how wonderful it is to read large portions of it. So much of what people quote from it is misused because they haven't taken the time to read the context surrounding it. My understanding of several verses I've grown up quoting has changed, because I read what was written before and after the verse I memorized. I'm excited to read the Bible, thanks to God!

the very best "good man"

“When we stop believing that good men exist, we lose the desire to be good women.” - Lauren Nicole Love, A Good Woman’s Guide to the 21st Century

A friend shared this article on Facebook a couple of days ago, and I think based on his comments, mine, and another friend’s, we each took something slightly different away from it. The article was largely about what good men are willing to do for good women - that good women inspire men to be better but conversely that good men do the same for women. I don’t want to rehash the whole article here; you would be much better off reading it for yourself, so I’ve included a link at the bottom.

However, it did get me to thinking further down the lines of what I hear God speaking to me right now, and where I’m trying to put my focus: on Jesus Christ and His love for me. He was and is the very best “good man” and I am made good because of Him. His love is what inspires me to be better than I am: He laid down His life for me. Me, just as I am.

The lie I often hear, which I can scarcely give voice to for fear it might be true, is that good men won’t/don’t want me, and that I’m not good enough to deserve a godly man. I know all my failings despite what people may see on the outside, and I fear that I’ll never get my act cleaned up enough to deserve a Bible reading, praying, courageous man of God. Now, I also know that no one is perfect, that godly men aren’t perfect, and that I’m not a horrible person, but still, I have allowed that lie to sit inside me.

The truth is that I am one of God’s master works, created to do the good things He planned ahead for me - long before I ever took my first step of faith. That I reflect a unique part of God’s heart, and that “in the same way you would die to be an incredible woman, there are men that would die to be incredible for you.” I know one of them, the best one of them, Jesus, and He’s calling me to be my best for Him. So, I’m focusing, for as long as I hear that call inside me, on Christ and His love for me, so that in knowing this love, I will be empowered to live courageously for Him.

I’m praying Ephesians 3:16-19, ESV

¹⁶that according to^(B) the riches of his glory^(C) he may grant (me) to be strengthened with power through his Spirit^(D) in (my) inner being, ^17(E) so that Christ may dwell in (my) heart through faith—that (I), being^(F) rooted and^(G) grounded in love, ¹⁸may have strength to^(H) comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and^(I) height and depth, ¹⁹and to know the love of Christ^(J) that surpasses knowledge, that^(K) (I) may be filled with all^(L) the fullness of God.

I am thankful to God for His love for me in Christ Jesus.

“O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.”

- George Matheson

http://makeitmad.com/2011/02/16/a-good-womans-guide-to-the-21st-century/

why we need birthdays

Crazy couple of weeks. I know four people who have been in or are still in the hospital. In comparison my being in the midst of getting a show to opening night tonight is a small thing. Still, lots of emotions going on under the surface. And, as I learned this week, my stress reaction is to be emotional, not really a good thing. At least it doesn’t feel that way.

I turned 28 on Tuesday. It’s as old as I’ve ever felt before, which may not sound like much. After all, don’t we all feel older each year? But, there’s an added gravity to 28 that there wasn’t at 27. I think I’m feeling how close I am to 30 and actually contemplating the age that sends many people into some sort of life crisis. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do much birthday celebrating, because of being in the show, but it turned out I didn’t really get to do any. Meetings, rehearsals, and other commitments, some of which were actually very positive in themselves, took up time and there wasn’t any left over just for me.

Nonetheless, I’m so grateful for all the friends and family who took the time to let me know that my birthday was important, that I was important, even if we didn’t get to celebrate. Perhaps that is why we need birthdays; it’s a day to say, “yes, I’m glad you’re alive and in my life.” We all need that from time to time.

I’m still waiting on a lot of things in my life, and will probably always be waiting for something, for the next thing. The challenge is to not grow weary in the waiting, to keep walking forward with focus and purpose, and to tell the people around me that they matter; that I’m glad they’re alive and in my life.

I am thankful to God for my friends and family walking with me. I am thankful that we do matter to God and to each other, and that He’s given us the power to make a difference to someone next to us. Life is full of difference making moments. Let’s not miss them.

conundrum

I feel like I’m having some of the best growth artistically because I’m at a point where I’ve gained enough skill to really able to put a lot into practice now. It’s thrilling and also exhausting. The more I learn about acting, the more I realize how hard I will have to work to truly be good. Once I’ve learned a new skill, I have to add it to what I already know, and until I’m comfortable with it, I must devote that much more energy to implementing that learned skill along with the others I’ve learned.

All this is juxtaposed with knowing I need to move forward, and that moving forward may mean giving up a source of growth. Fear says the loss will be permanent, and I will be stunted. And yet, I know staying where I am may mean many losses of growth in other areas and in the same. Fear also says that God will not give me back what He asks me for in obedience.

Truth: God gives good gifts to His children.

Truth: God is faithful to his promises of provision.

Truth: Obedience is better than sacrifice.

Lord, give me courage to follow you and trust you to take the insufficient gifts I offer and make them more than enough.

P.S. - A really neat friend of mine from church passed away on Wednesday. I really don’t have the right words to describe how special his Christian faith was. I don’t think I ever saw him angry or bitter, though I’m sure he had times of it. He served at every church event he could. He reached out to visitors and always made sure to make others feel welcome. He prayed, he shared what God was teaching him, and he gave his life away. All of this while confined to a body that wouldn’t do what he wanted, couldn’t walk, or even shake someone’s hand. He ran his race well.

I am thankful for David Van Zandt and the difference Christ made through him.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (David among them now), let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1

we must be different

Today is an ice day. An unusual event in Houston. Freezing rain started coming down overnight, and today there is coating of ice on all the freeways and many side roads - though it sounds like my usual route to work is okay. I can tell my stairs leading down from my apartment are iced over, so that will probably be the most treacherous part of my journey today.

Yesterday, I met with some ladies for prayer and share over lunch (spontaneous rhyme), and we had a really good conversation over how God tells us to treat people and what reconciliation to God means. I really need to go through and reread 2 Corinthians. There is so much that is pertinent to me where I am right now, and so many good truths that I need to commit to memory.

Again, thinking about the problem of sin and guilt, what do we do once we’ve admitted that we are guilty? How do we move forward? We must accept the grace of God that’s freely offered.

“God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them…God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:19 & 21

It’s amazing to me - In Christ, my sins are no longer counted against me! Instead, I am being made righteous through Him. That is amazing grace, and it is powerful, not just to make us feel better about ourselves, but to rescue us from the jaws of death. No wonder then that, when we really take hold of the enormity of Christ’s work on the cross for us, we must be different.

We mustn’t receive God’s grace in vain.

I am thankful to God that I have a warm apartment, a short drive to work, and food for lunch and dinner today. Thank you God that my sins are no longer counted against me. I pray I would be different because of it.

ever present grace

This morning I woke up to the sound of the artic blast blowing through Houston with lots of rain. Needless to say, I did not want to get up and ended up with a headache that would not go away till the afternoon. I hardly ever have headaches. When I do, they are easily knocked out by drinking water or taking tylenol. This one vanquished (word of the day for Will) water, meds, and caffiene. I think I was low on sleep, which I hope to remedy (another good word) soon.

Remedy is a word I’ve been pondering for a few days. What do you do when you are face to face with the absolute truth of your guilt? When you realize you can’t explain it away or justify your sin? What is the remedy for sin-induced guilt? Admiting your sin.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Don’t try to cover it up or cling possessively to it as though it’s your cross to bear. That cross has already been carried much better and stronger. Jesus suffered in full and finished the work. None of us can bear the weight of our sin and trying to does not make a person more holy. It’s a strange kind of pride that says only I can suffer/atone for my sin. Christ’s work wasn’t enough for me - I’m too big a sinner.

“Those that cling to worthless idols, forfeit the grace that could be theirs.” Jonah 2:8

Every once in a while, look up and make sure you are clinging to the cross. Anything else will bankrupt you.

I am thankful to God for His ever present grace.

who is Jesus to me?

Today was long day with not much in it: good things, mediocre don’t really care too much things, and boy I really don’t like this things. Actually, when I stop to add them all up, it really was a day filled with a lot; just nothing spectacular.

Spectacle gets our attention, our focus, and our energy. Sometimes it’s harder to walk through a day of mediocre than one with problems. At least then I know what I must attack or flee from, and am more keenly aware of God. I call upon Him, depend on Him, and tuck myself away in Him. The challenge in a day like today is to be with Him just as much as I would in a difficult day. One I didn’t or haven’t met well yet today.

In this year, I want to be closer to Jesus Christ. I want to know him. I feel that I know and connect more easily to God the Father in prayer. His majesty and holiness give me confidence to approach Him with my requests, and the image of a Father is very dear to me. But, who is Jesus to me? I know that He’s my Savior and intercessor, but I’ve never felt a connection to Him the way the disciples must have. What was that like? I want to delight myself in Him.

Since Sunday, I’ve been chewing on Matthew 11:28-30:

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Lord Jesus, help me come to you at all times for rest. Teach me what it means to bear your yoke and camp in the kind of rest that goes soul deep. Thank you for walking alongside me. Thank you for beckoning me into your arms.

I am thankful to God for a Savior who is well acquainted with me.

quickly answered prayers

Last night I stayed up way too late reading through a book on manners as research for the play I’m rehearsing. I’m fascinated by manners, which gratify the part of me that really likes rules and structure. If I know what I’m supposed to do, what the right thing to do is, then I will do it.

“To be truly polite, it is necessary to be, at the same time, good, just, and generous. True politeness is the outward visible sign of those inward graces called modesty, unselfishness, and generosity.” - unknown French writer

The most mature Christians I know have a steadiness about them. They are generous enough to let pass the little faults and inconsideration of those around them. They know their own position in the world - I am Sarah, He is God. How He would have me behave is really what manners are all about. We are told to put others before ourselves and love our neighbor.

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, having slept a bit longer than intended, I received a text from a friend asking for prayer for a situation that wasn’t resolving on it’s own and was becoming serious. I almost offered up a kind of Hail Mary prayer on the spot, but decided to finish what I was doing first so I could focus. I’m glad I did. When I pray purposefully, focused on God and His desire, I know that whatever the outcome, He’s got everything in hand. About thirty minutes later, another text announced that the situation was resolving right at that very moment.

I am thankful to God for His mercy in quickly answered prayers. He doesn’t always choose to respond that way, but when He does, as a direct result of the prayers of His people (I wasn’t the only one praying) I am encouraged. Encouraged to trust Him and step out again in faith the next time He asks me.

I am thankful for

I had decided I wanted to start a blog a few weeks ago, but didn’t know what I should blog about. I was in want of a theme, and this morning actually gave me the idea I had been waiting for.

What I am most thankful to God for today is a card I got in the mail from my mom. I didn’t have time to read it before a meeting, and so saved it till after because she had filled the card with text, and I didn’t want to rush through it.

Anyway, we were talking about being thankful this morning, and the hymn “Great is Thy Faithfulness” came to mind. I especially was pondering the line “there is no shadow of turning with Thee.” Imagine. There isn’t even the slightest hint that God will turn away from me. Then after our meeting, I opened the card, and what should be written inside, but that very hymn.

I am thankful to God for His faithfulness. I am sure that theme will be repeated throughout this blog.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10